Tuesday, May 1, 2018

This is funny

My father is currently mad at me.

Why?

Because I spent all that time taking care of my MIL. And now that he needs assistance, I'm not taking care of him.

He's oblivious to the fact that I have a special needs child, that I am a single parent, that I don't have a great deal of bandwidth.

All that matters is that his needs aren't being met.

Lovely.

Thursday, April 19, 2018

New apartment, new town

New attitude.

Hope all is well.

Tuesday, February 27, 2018

Hello Again Hello

So. How are you?

I don't remember, but this is where I'll start. Have I mentioned that Spunx is on the spectrum? Diagnosed with ASD?

Because he is.

It's become an odd and awkward blessing to the odd and awkward me.

H moved away and has become a deadbeat dad. Wish I could have said that I was surprised.

But. Back to me. And Spunx.

We're about to move (again) into a tiny little apartment that I can (barely) afford. And for the very first time, I will be on my own. Well, with Spunx. But you know what I mean.

I am excited. I am terrified. I am enough. Hopefully.

I still feel blessed. Goofy, odd little kid.

Monday, May 11, 2015

Divorce is final today.

Divorce is final today.

Monday, April 6, 2015

I don't get people

There's a woman at work - she's out to get me. I know how ridiculous that sounds. But I swear to God it's true. Why she's out to get me, I shall never know. Is she intimidated by me? Have I offended her?
I am completely clueless. What is so wrong with me that I am someone she needs to get?

I am not good with people. I don't know if I've mentioned it, but I'm not. I'm a loving, friendly person, but I have no friends. Well, few friends. Okay. No friends.

H used to tease me about it. No, tease is too kind a word. Mock me for it. Nobody liked me. I was too impossible. I was too difficult. He had, in the past, introduced me to people asking if they would be my friend - as I had no friends.

It was, can I say, not awesome.

And I wonder what the hell is wrong with me that no one likes me. What am I supposed to be doing, saying, that I am not. Who am I supposed to be that I am not.  One more failure in a long line of failures.

I had this moment, when I was deciding to pursue divorce, when I thought, "if I get divorced, no one will love me." And then I thought, "no one loves me now." And at least, divorced, I don't have the illusion that someone does. And the continual pain of them not loving me well, and treating me poorly.

Now, I just have the unpleasant ache of... nothing.

I miss my kid. I miss my... lie. My illusion. I could have gone home, and talked to H., and he would have said she hates me because I'm horrible, he would have said she hates me because I offended her, he would have called her a bitch and given me crappy, destructive advice.

But someone would have been there.

Tuesday, March 3, 2015

Everything hurts

H finally moved out. Which is good.

But he told something to Spunx which had him inconsolable. Crying, screaming, storms.

So I said, even though its not your day with him... take him.

And I miss my kid.

And everything hurts.

And I still believe that this is best for Spunx, for H, for me.

But I miss my kid.

And everything hurts.

Friday, February 6, 2015

The Alternative

I like food. But I hate to eat.

I find myself eating - candy, cakes, sweets - and I am not doing it because I am hungry.

I am doing it because I like the way it feels.

For that brief damn moment, everything is AWESOME. It feels GREAT.

And then it's over. And then I'm on to the next piece of candy.

And I want to come up with an alternative. 

I just... haven't yet.

Any suggestions?