Sunday, November 30, 2008

Wednesday, November 19, 2008

Tuesday, November 11, 2008

Every Day

First I think, Mama would love this.

Then I remember.

Every day, a new sadness

Everything that makes me happy makes me sad. Because Mama isn't here to share it.

At some point (that isn't now) I will get into a long, detailed account of what went wrong and what killed her. But, at the moment, I just need to "blog it out." So. Please be patient.

At one early point in my quest to be a mother, my RE told me to give it up. My uterus wasn't reacting; it wasn't going to happen for me.

I cried (as you can imagine) and said, "Well, at least I have Mama to take care of."

Fast forward a bit. It turns out that my RE was a complete and utter moron. (What do you call someone who says take lupr0n AND fo11istim AT THE SAME TIME and wonder why it's not working?) All I needed was to change everything about my life, a decent RE and more than a bit of luck.

And voila, I'm a mother.

But now I don't have Mama to take care of.

I haven't read the comments

I haven't read the comments from previous posts.

I will.

Just, well. Not right not.

Apologies. And thank you.

Monday, November 10, 2008

It Hurts

Okay, let me just say this.

Someone out there is thinking, at least you have the baby. I know that someone is thinking this because I've been thinking this.

And you know what? It doesn't help.

It still hurts.

For those of you just joining us, my mother-in-law died. She lived with my husband and myself, and she was central to our life. H and I met, married and tried to conceive, and all the time Mama was the center of our universe.

And being without her still hurts.


Let's face it. I'm not an IF anymore.

I mean, I am. I AM. I always will be. I had to explain this to H. I am now and ever shall be IF. (Amen).

But the death of Mama impacted me profoundly. And the fact that it wasn't mentioned in the clicker blog newspaper thing... actually hurt.

But then I realized: Mama's death was different. It wasn't a baby, a miscarriage, an un-wanted period. It was a new and different pain. Yet still a painful kind of pain.

And it still hurts.