Divorce is final today.

Divorce is final today.

I don't get people

There's a woman at work - she's out to get me. I know how ridiculous that sounds. But I swear to God it's true. Why she's out to get me, I shall never know. Is she intimidated by me? Have I offended her?
I am completely clueless. What is so wrong with me that I am someone she needs to get?

I am not good with people. I don't know if I've mentioned it, but I'm not. I'm a loving, friendly person, but I have no friends. Well, few friends. Okay. No friends.

H used to tease me about it. No, tease is too kind a word. Mock me for it. Nobody liked me. I was too impossible. I was too difficult. He had, in the past, introduced me to people asking if they would be my friend - as I had no friends.

It was, can I say, not awesome.

And I wonder what the hell is wrong with me that no one likes me. What am I supposed to be doing, saying, that I am not. Who am I supposed to be that I am not.  One more failure in a long line of failures.

I had this moment, when I was deciding to pursue divorce, when I thought, "if I get divorced, no one will love me." And then I thought, "no one loves me now." And at least, divorced, I don't have the illusion that someone does. And the continual pain of them not loving me well, and treating me poorly.

Now, I just have the unpleasant ache of... nothing.

I miss my kid. I miss my... lie. My illusion. I could have gone home, and talked to H., and he would have said she hates me because I'm horrible, he would have said she hates me because I offended her, he would have called her a bitch and given me crappy, destructive advice.

But someone would have been there.

Everything hurts

H finally moved out. Which is good.

But he told something to Spunx which had him inconsolable. Crying, screaming, storms.

So I said, even though its not your day with him... take him.

And I miss my kid.

And everything hurts.

And I still believe that this is best for Spunx, for H, for me.

But I miss my kid.

And everything hurts.

The Alternative

I like food. But I hate to eat.

I find myself eating - candy, cakes, sweets - and I am not doing it because I am hungry.

I am doing it because I like the way it feels.

For that brief damn moment, everything is AWESOME. It feels GREAT.

And then it's over. And then I'm on to the next piece of candy.

And I want to come up with an alternative. 

I just... haven't yet.

Any suggestions?

The oddest thing

Someone said the oddest thing to me. And it's making me ridiculously happy. 

I can't explain it adequately. I'm not sure I want to try. Because I know that if I think too much about it, there's a chance it'll stop making me ridiculously happy. 

And I like this moment. 

It's Monday morning and I feel like singing

And I hope you feel the same.

No real reason, other than the fresh possibility of a new week is dawning. And I like my job. And I am making the right decision with the divorce.

I still need to type up the divorce agreement. Which is probably going to translate into my not typing up an agreement, and spending too long on the phone with the divorce lawyer who charges me millions to take my call.

But.

I have a nanny interview on Tuesday and cleaning service quotes (long story as to why that's relevant but it is).

See, H has not been working for months.  He's been at home, playing house hubby.  And my house is so currently disgusting it boggles the imagination.  I'm talking get your own A&E show disgusting. (Okay, so not such a long story as to why a cleaning service quote is relevant).

And H is moving out.

And I'm going to wash that man right out of my hair.

And clean the house of the filth he's allowed to accumulate.

And exterminate the cockroaches he's allowed to fester.

And.

It's Monday morning and I feel like singing.

And I hope you feel the same.

Hugs

Lately I've become a hug whore.

Not even sure that's a thing, but it's the phrase that best describes where I am at this moment.

I need a hug.

Feel free to send one along.

On my list of things to do is to type up my divorce agreement. PARTY!

And I don't want to do it. BUT. I want it to be done. And I really wish that H would do it. But if he was someone that could get things done. Well. I probably wouldn't be divorcing him.

And I need a hug.

I went out the other night. Admittedly, with co-workers. But I like my co-workers, so it was a good time. A reasonably good time. (They see me as someone who I am not, and at some point I should probably spend a minute blogging about THAT. But not today).

So I am out with co-workers. And I got hugs. People who chose to through their arms around me VOLUNTARILY and embrace me. One even drew me close to tell me a secret. SWOON!

That hasn't happened in a long time, either.  

And today, I am walking up to random people and hugging them.

Not random, random. But random.

And I need a hug.

Good morning

I wanted to get blindingly drunk.

But last night, I did the next best thing - I went out with folks who got blindingly drunk while I stayed stone cold sober. (Hey - someone has to be the designated Uber-caller).

It was fun.

How is your morning going?

Divorce

Perhaps I should explain. (Or perhaps not).

A few months ago, I went looking for my happy place. I changed my hair. I started exercising. But, in the end, it was all bullsh*t.

Because my happy place is wherever my husband (H) isn't.

He has grown to hate me, over the years. Not a red-hot florid hate that all can see, but a soft delicate pink of a hate that seeps and sinks into everything until... until. Until I hate myself, more than I thought possible. And nothing that I can do can ease that ache.

But then. Because there always is a "but then" with these stories, isn't there?

But then I met people and made friends. And I wish - I dearly wish - I could throw in a line such as "I met someone new and fell in love."  But I met people. And I made friends. And I made new connections with people who didn't hate me.

And I should add - I am the most awkward person on the planet. No, seriously. I don't meet people. I don't make friends. H has consistently chided and mocked me for this. He has, in the past, introduced me saying, "this is Nica and she has no friends." (Awesome, right?) So the fact that I had people, someone in my life who saw me, liked me and with whom I connected - that was huge. That is huge.

And I asked for a divorce.

Hell, I more than asked. I filed the paperwork.

(Wow).

Now I need to write up the divorce agreement. Which is stupidly hard to do and I find myself avoiding. But I have to do it. (I KNOW). And I wish - I dearly wish - I could throw in a line such as "and now I am happy." But I'm not. Yet. But I know - I truly know - that this is the right thing to do.

And. By the way?

It's my birthday.