Lo Siento

A little over a year ago, Mama died.

A little over three months ago, I lost my job.

A little over a month ago, I lost my chance of a second child.

Today, I feel sorry for myself. Please excuse.

Last night my husband and I were talking. Do we pay the maintenance (we have a co-op) or do we pay the mortgage? We don't have the money for both. Both need to be paid to ensure that we have a place to live. But. We don't have the money for both.

I keep hoping that H will find a job but even if he does... it won't be more money. Just better insurance. Insurance that I haven't exhausted the IF coverage on.

But. Let's be realistic. That's not what H does.

I'm lucky to have a child, I know that I am. But. He's never going to know his grandmother.

That pains me.

How can she not be here?

I speak Spanish to Spunx, as I know his Nona would have, but damn my Spanish is crap. And H speaks Spanish with almost no one, now that Mama has passed. So I worry that my promise to Mama, that the children will be raised bi-lingually, will not be kept. That she will be forgotten, that in many small, small ways she will die and die again, until there is nothing left of her.

feeling shorry for myself...