Sunday, September 12, 2010

I'm fine

I'm fine, Spunx is fine, Husband H is fine, and our last remaining cat is fine. (Old, incontinent and half-blind, but other wise ducky).

But. I still want another child. Only I can't have one, because I am still IF

And. Now that no one reads my blog anymore, I can tell you something really, really horrible about myself.

When I was first writing my IF blog, and reading similar blogs, well. The folks who were trying o have their second (or third) child... I had less sympathy for. (There. I said it). I felt they were a little... greedy, I guess.

And now I'm the B.ernie M.adoff of Babies.

SO here I am, trying to have another child, feeling greedy and selfish for wanting another child, feeling ashamed of having formerly been judgmental of others who were in my exact same position, and most of all feeling... infertile.

Other than that, I'm fine.

6 comments:

Mindy said...

Good to hear from you, and Totally Understandable! Wanna hear something really greedy. I finally got my second and yet I suffer greatly from jealousy of all the mom's I know who have 3 (or more) kids. Seems like everyone I know has 3 kids and I always wanted a big family, so I am jealous and a little bitter than I won't ever have more. But really it's not greed, it's perfectly normal to want whatever size family you want and thus to feel unhappy or whatever if you can't get there. Sorry though - it's a sucky place to be. I KNOW!

Life in Eden said...

Glad you are fine. I was one of those ones you probably were mad at (I was 2ndary infertile after my first child). But I understand how you would have felt that way.

It is hard to not have what you want, that's the shit of IF. It doesn't matter what that number is. And sometimes I think it is just hard to let go of the wanting. Even though I have my hands full, there are moments I still want another one -- I think mostly because it is so elusive.
hugs!

BigP's Heather said...

BigP and I wanted four children before we knew I had issues...

I know there will always be a part of me that sees large families and aches for that.

I'm ok with you being "fine" but I would rather you were terrific.

Bea said...

Glad you're fine, wish you were feeling ideal.

Previous judgements: I say chalk it up to experience and move on. I don't believe you're a bad person because you once felt one way and now you are seeing a different point of view. It's life, it happens, we all do it.

And I don't think it's any greedier for you to want another than for a fertile couple to want another. And how many fertile couples pause to feel greedy about it?

If that's the horriblest thing about yourself you've got to reveal, you're doing ok ;)

Bea

Somewhat Ordinary said...

Glad to hear from you! You are not greedy. You just want things to be normal so that you could have the family you want. I never read people who were trying for number 2 when I didn't even have number one, but there are plenty of women that want more than one. It isn't greedy at all.

Katie said...

OMG, I had given up on you! In fact, as I clicked over and realized that it had probably been a year since a post, I was going to take you off of my sidebar! And here you are!!!

I am so glad for the update. And I was the same way. And even though I have my second, I still feel the residual effects of IF. Unfortunately, I think we are marked for eternity with this.

I will hope and pray that you get what you deserve (and yes, you deserve it and NO it's not greedy - it's natural)- and that you'll update here a bit when you can. We all miss you!