The good news is that all talk of "maybe we shouldn't be married anymore" has faded. (If you call THAT good news). It's not that H and I looked at each other and fell madly in love. It's just that, well, we love our kid. And he's in trouble.
So. The diagnosis is PDD-NOS. Which means "We think you're kid's autistic, but we don't know why." Autism Lite, a friend called it.
Christ.
So the good news (and again, I'm being pretty lose with the term 'good' here) is that the thought is if we can get Spunx 30 or 40 hours of therapy in the next few years, he may be able to be able to transfer into a mainstream kindergarten. Maybe.
Yikes.
And yes, that was not a typo. Thirty or forty hours a week of therapy. Some speech, some OT, some Play therapy (my kid needs to be taught how to play). Some Physical Therapy, as well.
Christ.
I'm not sorry I had him. Not that you that thought I felt that way. But just so its said.
God it just hurts. And when I'm done hurting, I feel angry. Then I go back to hurting. Full cycle.
The good news (does "good" have any real meaning anymore? I think not...) is that Lito's preschool will be paid for. Of course, it has to be a special needs preschool. And they'll even pick him up and drop him off.
Yay?
He doesn't look at me. He doesn't call me Mommy. (Not that he's snubbing me. He doesn't look at anyone. And he doesn't call anyone anything).
The IF dream is simple, but escalating. First it's to get pregnant, then to stay pregnant. Then to give birth to a healthy child. And ultimately to be called Mommy. To get the crappy handmade gifts for Mother's Day that wil always be cherished. To kiss the boo boos.
I don't get the whole dream. And I feel sorry for myself. And then I feel sorry for Spunx.
And then it hurts.
Full cycle.
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6 comments:
I'm sorry. It is good...in that it isn't as horrible as it could be, I guess?
It is good that it is paid for, and those types of places are available where you live.
I'm sorry. I wish I had better words to express to you that I care and I'm thinking about you.
Very painful. So much love, so much hope, and then the pain. Thinking of you with all my heart.
Braden's preschool is also covered. Although I would gladly shell out a hundred bucks to have a child who didn't need a special needs school. I can relate to the feeling, and it hurts.
I obviously cannot directly relate in the exact sense, as Braden is not autistic. I just understand what it's like to have your emotions crushed by a devestating diagnosis. That I get.
Thinking of you. I wish there was something I could do or say that would make this all better.
Coming back to see you once again and found a roller coaster. I am so sorry you are having to deal with this!
If I am completely honest, one of the reasons why I wanted a second child was because I wanted a "normal" one.
I hope that the help he needs helps you too. :-)
I'm sorry. That doesn't sound "lite" to me. It sounds like a LOT.
But I am glad you are getting resources to help him and hopefully, those will get him where he needs to be.
And. . . gosh, I can't imagine. I know what you mean about getting called Mommy being the full circle dream we all have. I can't imagine the hurt if I couldn't have that. What kind of support are YOU getting? And your husband? I know, I know, who has time for that, right? Please try to make some. As you only know too well, life as a caregiver can be extremely taxing and you need to find away to replenish your reserves so that you can be your best self for your son.
I am thinking of you and wishing life was more fair.
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