Pause

So my teeth are super crappy. They are going to need thousands of dollars of repairs. Thousands of dollars that I don't have. Thousands of dollars that I am already spending on my kid. 

Where's the pause button. Where's the channel clicker. Maybe if I point the remote at my life something will change. 

Deja Vu All Over Again

My gyno's office called about 9:30AM. Could I come in early for my Colposcopy and Cervical biopsy, they asked.

Sure...

It seems there was "something funny" on my latest PAP smear and my doctor did not like it, not at all. So they rushed me in there and dug around and yeah, I'm not going into details.

Suffice it to say that after being a stirrup queen for how many years? Most of it was no big deal.

Transvaginal sonogram? You mean wanding, right? Yup. Been there, done that, got the ridiculously expensive bill.

But all of my experience and expertise did not stop me from bursting into tears on the table. So hard the doctor had to stop and wait for me to regain my breath.

And then we continued.

Still out there?

According to my blogger stats, I still have a follower.

HELLO FOLLOWER.

I find it hard to believe that after being silent for a good long while, that someone would have the patience to still be there, waiting for me. Waiting to hear from me. Waiting to see if I am okay.

Well.

Hello, Follower. I am okay. Except for the fact that I am miserable.

How are you?

So, I've left New York City. I kind of had to.

Spunx was diagnosed with Autism about three years ago now. Which, can I say, was just such a FUCK YOU from God. You will struggle for years with infertility, you will break your back taking care of your crazy mother in law, and just when you start to think that there is hope in your life, your only son is autistic. Yup. What did I do, God? When will you stop pouring shit upon my head?

Spunx is five. Being in a blue state, we got lots and lots of therapy but. Being in New York City, its crowded. And there wan't room for him in the school. And my husband couldn't keep a job. Or stop spending money. And I couldn't support the family any more. And my father offered to let us move in with him. 

In Georgia.

So here I am. And I am okay. Except for the fact that I am miserable. And lonely.  And H is mad at me All The Time. And my father is mad at me. All The Time.

Spunx is hyperlexic, for those of you who chart. So he is, even now, playing with some damn toy that whistles and beeps and he is giggling and jumping and oblivious to all around him. Oblivious to the fact that Mommy is crying, that Mommy is sad.

But I am okay.

How are you?

Unemployed! (and Preschool)

Yes, they said they were demoting me because of special needs child. But! They kept me at the same salary, reversed themselves on the "demotion" (can you say lateral move?).

And then fired me in late July.

So. How are you?

I was curiously calm about the situation. No, seriously. I am not a calm person. But (originally) this did not have me panicked.

Preschool. That had (has?) me panicked.

Spunx goes to a special needs preschool. He had to compete and apply for a position, but the process was fairly painless. Fairly. Completely inefficient, mind bogglingly wasteful, but fairly painless. (To be clear FINDING the school is crazy stupid; the school is lovely.)

He's acclimated (better than I have), and will happily get into the yellow bus. and I'm sitting here thinking HE'S THREE.

Where did the time go?

Time to get a job

Last week

To be clear, I'm not undergoing any treatment. In fact, a few times I'm voiced the desire to have more children to anyone other than H, the response has been... not supportive. My father even said I was "selfish" to think about having another child while Spunx was having problems.

But last week.

Last week I thought I was pregnant.

It was awesome.

I couldn't keep anything down. Various body parts felt aflame. Dry heaves. Etc.

It was awesome.

We'd recently switched to a GFCF diet (because that's what's you do). We'd been to see a fringe physician who specialized in Autism. He asked a lot (A LOT) of questions, and when we mentioned problems with IF, Wacky Doc blamed gluten. And said that if we followed his guidelines, we could get pregnant. That easy.

So.

This week, I'm having my period.

I Hate My Job

Which is sad, because I used to love it. For a while, when everything else was going pear-shaped, it was the only thing that I could hold on to.

And then they demoted me because "I have a special needs child." I was working 14 hour days, doing the work of two (or more) people, and I said that I couldn't anymore. And their response was to demote me, as I said. But they did replace me with 2 people.

Update

I think that Spunx is fighting a cold at the moment. Which is scaring me incredibly, for no good reason.

I'm told by his therapists he's making progress, and I'm taking their word for it.

I guess.

He says some words, some times. But he's not... normal. He doesn't talk, but he might recite. He knows almost all of "The C.at in the H.at." He (apparently) holds the highest of high scores on my babysitter's version of "A.ngry B.irds."

But.