Saturday, May 16, 2009

So.

I had my annual mammogram the day that I had to go to IF clinic and formally be informed that my latest cycle was a big fat failure.

But. Blame it on the Year of IUIs, I was okay with the BFN. Not okay, but... what's the word for when you get to that mental/emotional/spiritual place where you're so used to failure that hope feels weird and vaguely painful?

That. I didn't feel okay, but comfortable with my familiar misery.

And then I had my mammogram.

And I completely lost it.

I sobbed, uncontrollably, in the hallway before I walked in. I was unable to speak to the receptionist when I finally walked in. I was unable to speak, period. Luckily (?) the office had the impersonal mode of operation -- sign in here, fill out this there, sit down wherever and wait silently while they get to you. I sat in a corner, as far away from everyone as I could be. And I sniffled and I struggled to get myself together and avoided eye contact with anyone and everyone.

Now you might think I was crying because I got my BFN. You may think that I was crying because I had to check off the box stating that I was not pregnant. You might think that, but you'd be wrong.

I was crying because I was thinking of Mama. I was missing Mama. Who died of breast cancer.

Could you just get a mammogram already? Please? Pretty please?

I flunked the mammogram (I always do) and the sonogram was a giggle, as always. I have 16 cysts in my breasts. (The technician was impressed; how about you?) Four of them are "worthy of being monitored" and I have to go back in 6 months.

Please? Get the mammogram, okay?

3 comments:

Kristen said...

I'm sorry to hear about your cysts :( I hope they are simply benign and do not pose a problem to you.

Thank you also for raising awareness about breast exams. My paternal grandmother lost both of her breasts to cancer. Early detection could have saved them.

Fiddle1 said...

So so sorry for the cysts and the increased worry about them and the sadness about Mama. My cousin also lost her battle with breast cancer a little over a year ago. She was 42.

hope548 said...

What an emotional day for you. I'm sorry you got difficult news, but I'm glad they found the cysts so they can watch them. I hope all will be ok!