I remembered something...

This morning (or was it last night?) I remembered the prayer I used to say the last time I was trying to get pregnant.

"I surrender myself into your hands, oh Lord..."

I never finished the line, although I always felt unfinished. The only thing that came to my mind past that was along the lines of "'cuz dammit you're in charge anyway" or "'cuz there's not a lot else I can do, is there?" neither of which strikes the pious tone that I'm looking for.

But.

Odd that I forgot that (I used to say that every day, I don't know how many times a day, occasionally with some non-pious additions). Odd that I remembered that now.

I surrender...

H is very depressed about the one embryo situation. Which triggers the lingering depression about Mama. And then that just sets off dominos of other contemplation.

I surrender...

He asked me this morning, what did I want to do. And I answered. I want to get pregnant. I want to have twins. (Yes, I know the additional risks of twins, but still). I want to have twin girls. I have names already picked out for twin girls (which I know that you're never supposed to do, but this is my dream so I'm dreaming big and in detail).

H laughed at the thought of it. Twin girls beating up on poor Spunx. Trailing him around, bothering him, "ganging up on him," to quote my husband. It made us feel a bit better.

I surrender...

I did explain to my husband that there is very little chance that we'd get twins at this point. Which sobered him, and then we talked about doing another cycle. If we needed to. Current insurance covers about a cycle and a half, so if we needed to, well. We could.

I surrender...

We figure that we'd (which is to say *I*) would take a cycle off, eat healthy, be health, figure out a way to get to my acupuncturist, take all my supplements and all that. Acutally take our shots on time. All that.

And then go back. For one last try.

If we need to. (Not that I want to).

I surrender.