Let me make this brief: it does not happen. You do not "get over" IF. Or, okay, maybe YOU do, or you will, but I haven't.
H mentioned something a few weeks back. "Now that you're over IF" or some suspicious phrase to that effect. My head snapped so hard my neck hurt and I could tell he could tell he'd said something stupid.
I asked (dared) him to repeat it, and he did. I don't remember the words, but the intent was not to offend and the thought was clear.
I have a baby now. Therefore, I am "over" IF.
Riiiiiiiiiiiiiight.
Nope. Sorry; it's not that easy. I tried to explain it to him, and am not sure that I succeeded. As is with most husbands, H does not always listen to me.
So I'll tell you, because I know YOU will understand.
I have a fear every day that SOMETHING will happen. I don't know what, but something bad. I check on Spunketta regularly to ensure he's breathing. REGULARLY. I'm not so crazy to wake him up, but I have hung my head in the crib until I heard enough inhales and exhales to assure myself this was a regular habit.
I have six neighbors (NO JOKE!) who are pregnant. Apparently, only one of them was planned. The fact that they've no idea of conception dates or due dates blows my mind. That they didn't do extensive genetic testing beforehand strikes me as almost... negligent. Somewhere, in my head, the way we conceived has become the "normal" way and everyone else is a freak.
Now, just to tempt the fates, we have decided to try for another child. H keeps saying that "maybe we'll get pregnant the old-fashioned way" this time. You know, because I have been through a pregnancy. I try to explain that unless MY having a child has impacted HIS ability to (a) produce lots of sperm and (b) produce sperm that goes some where it ain't going to happen. But H has been brainwashed by health class. Or maybe M.onty P.ython. Every sperm is sacred.
I miss Mama. That's another thing I'm not getting over.
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4 comments:
Seriously rent Gattica. It's a movie that touches on part of your text for the day. Its very interesting!
glad for an update from you. I don't IF is something anyone can ever get over. Ever. And not just because of our own personal journeys, but also because, through other blogs, we know SO much about worst case scenarios. I feel like IF was a lens replacement surgery and now I will forever view the world differently.
http://creatingmotherhood.com
Yeah, I don't think you can ever get over it. The pain may lesson with time, but I think for most people it sticks with them. I say this because when I had an article published in the local paper about IF I had a quite a few friend's parents that came to me and told me about the struggles they went through. Just because the end result of a baby was achieved doesn't mean you forget! My husband has said things exactly like H a few times!
Ah yes. I do know what you mean. And wishing you the best in your trying, but I guess you won't be holding your breath for a miracle.
Bea
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